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This article is about the species. For a list of Zortians, see Category: Zortians.

Zortians are the dominant species of planet Zort. They are green two-footed bipeds with rings around their midriffs and tubular snouts that double as a nose and mouth. Some have a small tuft of hair on their scalps, while others are blessed with a fully functional four-fingered hand in that location. An occasional mutation causes the hand to be a part of the snout, with a mouth beneath it.

Skilled scientists and technicians by nature, they invented the cutting-edge brain surgery techniques of Gephardtization and Dolezation, although both are fatal over the long term. At one time they were in possession of Andy Kaufman's and Elvis Presley's brains, holding the latter hostage for a while but finding nothing to do with the former.

Zortians have formed an alliance with their planetary neighbors, the Zygorthians, and often utilize the technology and spaceships of the latter species. This alliance sometimes manifests as a full mutual cooperation and sometimes as more of a friendly rivalry.

Like many species they have quite a fascination with Earth; conducting tours of it, exporting its goods, and making a few attempts to invade and conquer it both with and without the help of the Zygorthians. Many Zortians know more about Earthling politics than their own. In recent years they have become concerned about the possibility of Earthlings - which they refer to as "Bald-Bottomed Bi-Nostrilled Earthcritters" - going extinct, and have established a breeding pair on their home planet. However this pair consists of Elvis Presley, his brain now restored, and Bigfoot.