Life, the Universe and Everything Wiki

The Krikkit Wars were a campaign of genocide launched by the Krikkiters of Krikkit against everyone else in the Universe. Confined mostly to the Milky Way galaxy and surrounding areas, the war lasted approximately two thousand years and wiped out approximately two grillion people.

The trouble began when the computer Hactar launched a fake spaceship to crash-land on Krikkit, suddenly alerting the inhabitants thereof to the possibility of life beyond their sphere. Within a year they had stripped every tiniest last secret out of its wreckage and constructed their own spaceship, Krikkit One, which they used to view the outside Universe for the first time. Unable to reconcile its existence with their traditional worldview, they transformed overnight from charming, delightful, intelligent, if whimsical, ordinary people, into charming, delightful, intelligent, whimsical, manic xenophobes. And so, charmingly, delightfully, intelligently, whimsically, they decided to destroy it.

Their sheer obsession is the only explanation for their bewildering sudden grasp of all the hypertechnology involved in building their thousands of spaceships, and their millions of lethal white robots. The Krikkit attack on the galaxy was stunning. Thousands and thousands of huge Krikkit warships leaped suddenly out of hyperspace and simultaneously attacked thousands and thousands of major worlds, first seizing vital material supplies for building the next wave, and then calmly zapping those worlds out of existence. The galaxy, which had been enjoying a period of unusual peace and prosperity at the time, reeled like a man getting mugged in a meadow. Two thousand years later it had recovered enough to gain the upper hand, and representatives of the Krikkiters were held accountable at the Krikkit War Crimes Trial.

The planet of Krikkit was to be enclosed for perpetuity in an envelope of Slo-Time, inside which life would continue almost infinitely slowly. All light would be deflected round the envelope so that it would remain invisible and impenetrable. Escape from the envelope would be utterly impossible unless it were locked from the outside. When the rest of the Universe came to its final end, when the whole of creation reached its dying fall (this was all, of course, in the days before it was known that the end of the Universe would be a spectacular catering venture) and life and matter ceased to exist, then the planet of Krikkit and its sun would emerge from its Slo-Time envelope and continue a solitary existence, such as it craved, in the twilight of the Universal void. The Lock would be on an asteroid which would slowly orbit the envelope. The key would be the symbol of the Galaxy - the Wikkit Gate.

Just after the Slo-Time envelope was locked, a Krikkit warship which had been missing and presumed destroyed turned out to be just missing after all. It appeared and tried to seize the Key. Both the Key and the battleship were disintegrated and blasted into the space-time continuum.

The Krikkit Wars are tastelessly commemorated by two sports; cricket of Earth and Brockian Ultra-Cricket of some of the higher dimensions.